NFL Players Tweeting About Their Swingline Staplers Is The Weirdest Ad Campaign Of 2016

Wet the beak! Sling those staplers! Cash those office supply checks! Kirk Cousins and Coby Fleener are out here making money in ways that I didnt even think were possible. Stapler endorsement deals. Spectacular. God Bless America. Not since Wes Welkers was pooping in his pants, pushing adult diapers has someone sold out this badly.

But you absolutely cannot knock the hustle. I cannot even begin to wrap my head around how much these guys are getting paid and how this could possibly be worth it. Like there are some little kids out there thinking “When I grow up, I want to use a Swingline Stapler…just like Kirk Cousins! OOOO WEEEE!” Like Office Manager Brett is at Office Depot about to buy some generic staplers and then he sees this tweet and thinks “You know what? We need to staple just like the pros. We need to staple the same way Coby Fleener does! Get me the Swinglines!” The stapler biz is a cutthroat one, apparently. I dont think I’ve ever heard of any other brand other than Swingline but maybe thats just because of all their brilliant marketing. Theres a reason the dominate the stapler game and its because they endorse the big names. Kirk Cousins. Coby Fleener. Milton Waddams.

PS – Let me just say this loud and clear – if you get someone a fucking stapler for Christmas, you deserve to be punched right in the fucking face. Seriously thats gotta be the worst Christmas gift imaginable. Thats a piece of shit that you get for someone on the 4th night of Hanukah. Not Christmas. If your dad opens up his presents on December 25th and its a Houston Texans stapler, hes going to pack up and leave his family. Seriously you should get to leave your wife and kids if they get you a stapler for Christmas.

PPS – Looks like God is a big Swingline fan, too. I wonder if it was Jesus telling Kirk Cousins to endorse staplers.